The America and Canada Ultra-Fabulous Mystery Show!
by ImpaledPrince
Summary: America and Canada put aside their minor differences to solve problems plaguing the various nations! Or just make them much worse, it depends on how they're feeling that day. Will there be yaoi references and breaking of the fourth wall? Ooooh yeah!


**The America and Canada Ultra-Fabulous Mystery Show!**

**Episode 1: The Mystery of the Anonymous Fangirl**

The premise of this fanfic series is gonna be that in each plot arc America and Canada team up to solve a different mystery! In today's episode (which is both an introduction and the beginning of the first plot arc), the mystery will be tracking down who sent the email. Although the real mystery may be how I can come up with such naughty visual imagery when I personally prefer shonen-ai to yaoi...

And as you probably guessed, the DA referred to is the common acronym for Deviantart.

* * *

"Hey Canada bro! Whaddup, my shizzle?" Alfred said to his junior sibling in that signature over-the-top energetic demeanor of his. Alfred smacked Matt on the back as he said so, perhaps a tad more forcefully than was necessary because Matt choked a bit on what he was eating before turning around and sheepishly correcting his glasses.

The duo was in the U.N. lunchroom where they were the only ones present. Matt had been late because he was attending bad indie concerts in Toronto. Alfred likewise was tardy with his mealtime due to trying and failing yet again to revitalize an automotive industry that was for all intents and purposes deader than disco.

"Oh, hello America. I'm glad someone noticed me, I almost feel like I'm invisible some days. *cough* So can I help you with anything in my sheepishly demure Canadian manner?"

"I'm bored, you wanna nuke an atoll after we're finished or something? Oh right, sometimes I forget you don't have any nukes. Are you-...WHAT THE HELL!? What's that rancid brown chili with slimy white strands and maggot things in it you're eating?!"

"Oh, this? This is just...nothing. You wouldn't like it."

"I have no clue what that is, but it sure as hell ain't 'nothing'. Now what have you been feeding yourself...Oh GOD no. Please tell me that's not British cuisine left over from your colonial days!"

"Heh. It's actually a French-Canadian dish called poutine. It's french-fries with cheese curds and gravy poured over it. The cheese curds melt into the mix with the gravy when it's served so you kind of have to eat it with a fork," Matt said, holding up his gravy-drenched fork as proof.

"You're damn right I wouldn't like it! Leave it to France to take some perfectly good fries and fuck them over royal," Alfred sighed. "It's almost enough to put me off my appetite," he continued as he sat down before rifling through his own lunch bag and removing/inhaling fourteen Whoppers in rapid-fire succession.

"Woah," Matt blinked. "How'd they all fit in there?"

"Magic. Anyway, I got this weird email in my inbox the other day. I printed off the body of the text, I wanted to show it to you, see if you knew anything about it."

"Okay, I guess I'll take a look," Matt said as he read the opening two lines.

_soooo how're u doing?! Me and my friends all use DA and think you and Canada are the smexxxiest boys in all of the WORLD!_

"Well whoever wrote this has good taste, eh bro?" Alfred smirked.

"Heheh, yeah, I guess. This doesn't really seem that important, can I leave? I'd just like to go eat some Timbits- "

"No, and before you ask, because I said so," Alfred said bluntly, and Matt knew there would no point arguing. "Wait, what the fuck are Timbits? Anyway, I already knew I was awesomely sexy so that part of the email isn't what concerns me. Coming up is where it starts to get weird."

_We all ship you devilish twosome 24/7! I made some silly-sly little posters a while back and my watcher s on DA TRIPLED YA RLY! I also like FrUK and make my own OCs for you two just you there's moar love to share! ;D_

_DA happens to knw quality work when they see it, and they can tell I totally know how boys love each other. Like, I'm not a boi myself, of course, and I don't know any ghey men,or even friend with many on DA and I'll be the first to admit I wouldn't know t3h first things about how the male body works if ya know what I mean. But I've seen every episode of Gravitation and Loveless except for the dubs URGHH I just HATE DUBS! D;_

Matt was at something of a loss for words. As usual, Alfred was the first to speak.

"I can't quite tell what language this is in. I mean, it's almost like they're trying really hard to communicate in a written Germanic or maybe Hispanic dialect but they can't understand how to use proper syntax, grammar, or even spelling."

"Maybe it was meant for another nation and it just got sent to you by mistake. It would explain why we can't tell what they're saying," Matt offered.

"Yeah, and I'm really confused by the 'DA' phrase that keeps popping up here and there. D and A are both English letters, so what could DA mean?" Alfred began wondering aloud. "Drug Approval? Derpers Anonymous? Dinosaur Attacks? Delicious Apricots? Dildo Awareness?"

"I don't think that's what's important."

"Fine then, back on topic. Because of my ADD-"

"Wait, what? You have ADD?" Matt asked in surprise.

"Oh come on, don't say the thought never occurred to you. Anyway, because of that I didn't get around to finishing reading the last few paragraphs of the message before I brought it here to show ya. But that just means whatever they wrote last will be a surprise for us both."

"Oh. Well, that sounds alright, and I'm absolutely sure there couldn't possibly be anything bad, let alone crude."

_LOVE THAT INCEST! I wish there could be more tentacle things too with Inuyasha/Hetalia crossovers. Like maybe one day America is measuring canadas dick and then gives him a spontaneous BJ. Then you two go for a romantic walk only he doesn't know yore leading him to Narakus castle to get tentacle raped? IDKI mean, gay guys do measure each others dicks right? Well whatever you two don't need to be shy. I'll watch you smut each other forty ways at once any day of the week. Just callme your Anonymous Fangirl. ;3_

Both brothers just stared with ashen faces at the piece of printer paper with impossibly filthy text on it. Alfred opened and closed his mouth several times like he was searching was searching in vain for a magical word he could say to wake up from this nightmare. It took almost six minutes before his brother Matt's brain went back online and he was able to express his own feelings on the matter.

"...holy motherfucking shit, Alfred."

The paper was now scrunched into a tiny wad in Alred's unsteady hands. He looked at Matt for hope with tortured eyes, but Matt just shook his head, unable to offer any.

He had never seen his older brother cry like that.

Matt took his shaking brothers' body in his arms and held him close. He felt colder than usual, like a part of him had just died. There was true evil in this world, and for these brothers at least that evil now had a name. The name of that evil was fanfiction.

Meanwhile a sinister figure watched the two hugging brothers from the shadows, a wicked curl of a smile spreading across its lips. Before it slipped into the darkness it whispered one word.

"Kawaii!"


End file.
